Technique Junkies The Juggle is Real April New Release
And 10% off if you use TJ10CARMEN
I know, I know..no excuses.
But you HAVE to understand the week I've had.
First, there came the news that school has been cancelled until 2030. Or some date so far in the future I despair of ever ridding my home of "hormonal y-chromosome ordure".
THEN, the wireless went down Thursday night and didn't reappear until an hour and a half ago. And due to my being a chronic procrastinator, I didn't have this post ready and now I'm late.
And then it was my birthday.
It all started with a call from my mother on Wednesday.
"Happy Birthday!", she sang. "I remember 52 years ago having my first child, a little girl, and you were so beautiful! I held you in my arms and for whatever reason, I decided I wasn't going to name you Rosie, as I'd planned all along. I would name you 'Carmen' After the beautiful opera of the same name".
"You said you named me after the, and I quote, 'cute little Puerto-Rican dancer from the Dick Clark show that could really move!'", I said.
She sighed, deeply, "I just loved how she danced!"
"Also," I reminded her, "you said when you went into labor and they doped you up on Scopolomine, all you remembered is the doctor holding up his hand and snapping each finger of his glove in some weird, creepy manner."
"Oh, I'm sure that was a hallucination." she said, thoughtfully.
"So you remember me being born?"
"Wellllll..." she tutted, "maybe not actually being born but I remember my beautiful girl!"
"Mother," I said, sternly, "there no pictures of me as an infant and, according to you, it was because I was born an entire month late, and due to the fact my head was lodged in your pelvis that extra month, I was born with a deformed, pointy head!"
"It wasn't deformed, it was just...um...misshapen." she said, warily.
"Dad said I was so weird looking that he showed me off as a future lab experiment that would make him a millionaire!"
"That was just the alcohol talking, dear. Don't believe everything you hear." she said, briskly. "But let's get to the good part! What do you want for your birthday?"
"Well, I think I'd..." I began.
"Now wait!" She interjected. "Remember what happened last year! We went out shopping because you said you wanted clothes for your birthday. So, I bought you clothes and then you ruined it all by losing weight and not being able to wear them!"
"I wouldn’t call that ruined…", I said, slowly.
"The year before that you wanted Botox and you wore that out after two months!" she said, sternly.
I gritted my teeth. "I happen to have custody of your three grandsons. But if I turned them over to you to raise, I bet that Botox would last..." I began.
"But who's keeping count?" she broke in. "Let's just concentrate on the positive. What do you want this year?"
I took a deep breath, "Mom, I want a kayak."
There was silence for a moment. Then she said, "But can you swim?".
Look people, I’m certainly not one-up on this parenting game. I wouldn’t even call myself accomplished. I think my claim to fame is that I have survived puberty of three boys and managed to keep my car dents to a minimum and my sanity, thanks to good medical care, excellent pharmaceuticals and virtual therapy.
I’m calling that a win.
But, what I can say is when it comes to things like rollerskating, bicycling or… I don’t know… swimming, I know exactly which child is independent in what medium and which child needs to be accompanied by myself, a guardian and back up EMT.
And extra virtual therapy.
But when it comes to swimming… Swimming! How do you not know if your kids can swim or not??
Obviously, she forgot the many checks she wrote to the YWCA in Greensboro, where I learned to swim. Not to mention all those summers I spent at camp Tapawingo, where I was a counselor and forced to swim with young children in the resident lake, which caused trauma I struggle with to this day.
Whether that trauma is confined to just swimming in lakes, being around hordes of small children or both, I’ll have to continue to work out in counseling.
But how does she forget those years of my strapping a Styrofoam bubble to my back and jumping off the diving board until I worked up my courage to dive? And all in front of her!
What about all those summers at the Moose Lodge Pool? Or down in Florida where I swam in those crystal clear waters… Until I saw a manta ray under my raft, a horse shoe crab stalking me and the movie Jaws… then it was over for me. But that’s not the point!
"Are you still there?" my mother asked
"Here, mom. And yes, I can swim."
"Do you have a life jacket?"
"Yes, mama I have a life jacket."
"Well, I’ll pay for the kayak but I’m not sending the money until I see a picture of you in your life jacket! Don't think you can trick me… You’ll never know when I’ll show up down at the lake! And if you’re on that boat without a life jacket then that’s it… no more kayaking for you..
Just my luck. My mother doesn’t remember whether or not I can swim but she sure remembers how to ground me
4 comments:
Love your card, BUT really enjoyed your story. Made me smile and chuckle. You should write a book. Or at least become a script writer for the movies.
A script writer? Liz, you DO realize I'd be making less than I am now doing that...and I'm unemployed as it is. 😂 TY for the comment...my mother will laugh and then deny it all until she forgets. Then it'll start all over again next year. HAHAHA ❤
Bwhahahahaha! OMGosh, that was awesome! Oh, and your project is amazing too. I loved the story though!!! I think we can all relate... I don't know which was funnier, the bit about your mom grounding you if you didn't wear the life jacket or the part about surviving 3 boys going through puberty! I only have 1 child, who is now a 19 year old young man. I have to say he was *relatively* easy to raise but that may be because he is a reluctant driver and still only has his permit! That conversation could have taken place between my mother and I. In her defense, their generation parented differently. I was basically kicked out of the house before 9am and told to be back for dinner. I'd sometimes be miles away from home, with no cell phone or way to call for help if I needed it. They only knew my grades when the report card came home, and never laid eyes on my teachers. When I got on the PTA, my mother was like "Why???" and could not comprehend being involved or volunteering. I'm not saying our way is better, cause I learned a lot in my unsupervised childhood. but I think we know our kids better than their generation did. Sorry you had a rough week, but thank you so much for sharing this story. Happy Belated Birthday!!!
Karen-were we sisters??? I could swear we had the same mom! She, too, kicked us out and we'd BETTER not be home before dinner. I think the reason they never worried about us being picked up by strangers is because they knew we'd be returned. 😂 Actually, I had a great birthday...and I swear to you the conversation happened, which was even more awesome because it gave me CONTENT. As for you and I, we totally went the OTHER way in parenting! And considering the state of the Millennials today, perhaps our parents had it RIGHT!!! TY for the msg!!
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